Out of Office

old word processor

The height of innovation

With the lack of progress in gap year preparations I thought I would tackle some easy wins, what could be easier than my ‘Out Of Office’ or ‘OOO’ if you live on TLAs.

I started my business before email, in those days the telephone on my desk had a dial and wonder of wonders I had a word processor that could remember and type 100 characters of text at the press of a button. In business time is limited so the arrival of email was a revelation but as with all good things they can be abused. Every day I get 250+ non spam emails which equates to 91,000/year, small wonder the ‘Delete’ key is looking rather worn. Actually this is down to 120/day as I have spent 6 months un-subscribing leaving me with 40k/year.

The result is I have a new email address while I am away for friends, family and travelling (use the Contact Form if you don’t have it).

So what to say on my OOO? You shall have to send me an email.

Chances are it is not one of these:

Thank you for your email. Given the current demand for my time, you can expect a response in around 60 weeks. Thank you.

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you would not get a response at all.

Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Thanks for your email. I was unable to automatically delete emails while on holiday, but not to worry they will be deleted on my return

Our email server was unable to verify your server connection. Please close your email programme, reboot your machine and try re sending this email until you stop receiving this error message.

Thanks for your email. You will be invoiced for £1 for the first 10 words and 50p per word thereafter at this email address. Payment terms are 14 days.

Hi, Thanks for your email. I have submitted it to 14 spam email lists so you can see what it is like to get worthless crappy emails like these continuously

Thank you for your email.  I am out the office for medical reasons for 2 weeks. On return please call me Martina rather than Martin. Thanks

Your fearless leader is out of the office for, well, ever, but has left his trusted henchmen to watch you carefully. They are instructed to respond to any questions in the usual slow, evasive and ineffectual manner. And for those who do not trust the answers, watch for them on ‘Panorama’ this evening

Please note that if your e-mail is more than three (3) sentences in length I have read the first three (3) sentences, skimmed the opening paragraph, and sort of eyeballed the rest of it. Please do not expect a response to your e-mail anytime soon, if at all, for I am not a mind reader, and therefore cannot guess the nature of anything beyond the first three (3) sentences. For those of you who continue to insist on sending e-mails longer than three (3) sentences, here is a Wikipedia entry on haiku. (Credit)

If your e-mail refers to nuanced emotional matters relating to but not limited to a current, prior, potential, or perceived romantic involvement, then please call…  (Credit)

If you cared for me as much as you say you do, you would stop sending me these crappy emails.

I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

I’ve run away to join the circus

I await the comments that say I could spend less time blogging and more time packing.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fi
    Jun 04, 2012 @ 13:10:14

    Go pack because Bill is so busy laughing at your blog that he’s not getting any work done either


  2. Martin Clark
    Jun 04, 2012 @ 13:52:02

    So much more exciting if you don’t know if it will all fit?


  3. Mo
    Jun 04, 2012 @ 17:48:58

    Or get outside and mow the lawn please! x


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